


Since When Are You Scared of Spiders?

by LuthienLuinwe



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Caring Jason Todd, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Self-blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 21:43:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14839698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuthienLuinwe/pseuds/LuthienLuinwe
Summary: He started toward the bathroom connected to their bedroom. He always took showers at night. Always. But after that dream, he needed to make himself clean again. He needed to wash her away and never think of her again. “Hey Dick?” Jason asked, and Dick hoped to God he wouldn’t comment on the change in routine.“Yeah?” he turned around and studied the other man carefully. Jason’s eyebrows were furrowed and he’d pulled a knee to his bare chest.“Since when are you scared of spiders?”





	Since When Are You Scared of Spiders?

It had been a long day. He didn’t remember collapsing onto their bed. He didn’t remember latching himself onto Jason, and he barely remembered getting up a handful of times in the middle of the night when his heart rate started escalating and his breathing started getting labored.

He didn’t want to sleep. He never wanted to sleep again. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her and he felt her and he couldn’t do anything to get away just like he hadn’t been able to then. But his body always betrayed him, and he always ended up more passed out than anything by the end of a long, sleepless stint.

“Rough night?” Jason turned to face him, and Dick just nodded. He didn’t know the half of it. And he never would. He’d been sleep-walking again, Bruce had said. God, he hadn’t done that since everything that had happened with Terra. Stress made it worse, his therapist had told him once. And stress seemed to define his life for the past several weeks, if not months.

Dick stood up and stretched, groaning when his back popped. He used to sleep sprawled out, taking up more room on the bed than he should have, usually forcing Jason onto one side, curled up in a tiny ball. After everything that had happened though? He slept clinging to his boyfriend, never wanting to let go.

He started toward the bathroom connected to their bedroom. He always took showers at night. Always. But after that dream, he needed to make himself clean again. He needed to wash her away and never think of her again. “Hey Dick?” Jason asked, and Dick hoped to God he wouldn’t comment on the oddness of the move.

“Yeah?” he turned around and studied the other man carefully. Jason’s eyebrows were furrowed and he’d pulled a knee to his bare chest.

“Since when are you scared of spiders?”

And he felt his muscles tense and he felt his blood run cold. He must have said something in his sleep. God, though, what did he say? He must not have said too much because Jason was still talking to him. “Oh, yeah, always have been,” he lied, more easily than he would have liked to. Once upon a time he’d been terrible at it. Now it seemed like it was all he did.

“Okay,” Jason shrugged and lay back down, pulling their comforter back over his shoulders.

Dick stepped into the bathroom and turned the water on as hot as it would go. He stepped under the faucet and hissed when the water burned his skin. But it still wasn’t hot enough. It wouldn’t make the bad things go away. He could still feel her hands on his skin and her breath on his skin and her voice in his head and she wouldn’t go away.

He stayed under the water even after it had gone from scalding hot to ice cold. If he looked closely, he could still see the marks on his arms where she had dragged her nails down. He could still feel the sting from it, could still feel his wet suit clinging to his skin.

And now Jason was asking questions and Jason was going to find out and Jason was going to hate him forever because Dick had cheated on him even though it didn’t feel like cheating because he had told her no, but he must have done something because she didn’t stop and he must have wanted it because…

No. He shook his head, trying to clear it. He needed to go back to pretending that everything was fine and nothing had happened. He couldn’t lose Jason, not when everything else was falling to pieces around him. 

He took a deep breath, turned the water off, and stepped onto the cold tile. He pulled his clothes back on without bothering to dry off first. The less time he spent with his clothes off, the better. But the water was making his shirt stick to him; just like his Nightwing uniform had stuck to him.

And his pulse was pounding in his ears and his heart was racing in his chest. And he was dizzy and he felt like he couldn’t breathe and his thoughts were racing and the bathroom had disappeared and the rooftop was reforming and he could still hear the gunshot ringing in his head and he could still see Blockbuster’s blood staining the walls and he could still feel her on top of him.

“Dick?” he froze when he heard the knock on the door and it took him a moment to remember where he was. He was sitting on the ledge of the bathtub, head in his hands. He focused on the black and white tile pattern and tried to think of how they felt against his bare feet. “You okay?”

“Fine,” he lied and carefully stood up. He crossed the room and opened the door to see Jason standing on the other side. Jason who he kept lying to. Jason who he had cheated on and who could never find out because then he would hate Dick forever and he couldn’t handle that and…

“You look like you’re going to be sick,” Jason moved and looped an arm around Dick’s waist and he couldn’t breathe and he jerked away faster than he should have, faster than any rational person should have because it was just Jason and Jason would never hut him because Dick was the one in every relationship that always fucked everything up.

And he was backing away, trying to get away because she had replaced him and she wouldn’t leave him alone and she was never going to leave her alone. But his back hit the wall with a thud and he glanced at the doorway but she was blocking it and he knew she couldn’t have been there because she hadn’t followed him back to Gotham and… “Dick? Are you okay?” the voice was masculine, not feminine, but it was twisting and he could still hear her and feel her and…

“I’m fine,” he lied again and he was shaking and he hated himself for it because he could lie all he wanted to, but his body always betrayed him, just like it had with her even though he had told her to stop and told her not to touch him but her hands were on his hips and she was moving and his body screamed ‘good’ while his mind screamed ‘horrific.’

“Was it the dream?” Jason asked, and Dick felt like he could breathe again because of course it was just Jason and they were just in their bathroom and she was a city away and he was safe because Jason would never let anything happen to him. And Jason could never find out because then all of his pent-up anger would be directed at Dick instead of anyone trying to hurt Dick and he couldn’t handle that. “Want to talk about it?”

“No,” he shook his head and he hated how weak his voice sounded because Jason could read him like a book and there was no way he’d let that slide, not when his hands were still shaking, not when he’d jerked away from him so violently…

“Okay, but seriously, if you’re this scared of tarantulas, why haven’t you said anything about it before?” And he could see her face on Jason’s body and he could hear her laughing and he could hear her voice saying it’s all right, baby even though nothing was all right. And he wanted to scream. God, he wanted to scream. But it had been caught in his throat and he could feel it, a giant lump begging to be released, but nothing would come out because he must have done something to lead her on and he must have wanted it or she would have stopped like he had asked her to.

“I just…” he tried to speak, tried to say that he was fine and that he just needed some air because he needed to get away, needed to get out and breathe because it felt like he was being pinned down again and his mind was fuzzy again and Bruce was never going to forgive him for letting her kill Blockbuster and…

Jason was frowning and he’d moved closer to Dick, and Dick tried to back away again, but his back just hit the wall again and he couldn’t breathe and he couldn’t move and he couldn’t scream and he couldn’t think and Quiet, mi amor callado. “What’s wrong?”

“I cheated on you,” he blurted out before the words could register because if he told Jason the truth, Jason would go away and he could get away and he could get out of that corner and he could breathe again. 

And he saw Jason’s green eyes flash from confusion to sadness to hatred in a matter of seconds. “You what?” he demanded, voice deadly calm, and that scared Dick because he could handle Jason’s hot anger, the anger full of shouting and screaming and threats. But Jason’s cold anger, the one with the calmness and the calculating scared him more than almost anything else in the world. “Why? With who? How could you do that?”

“Tarantula,” he spat out, and God he wanted Jason to scream at him or to hit him or to do something other than just stare at Dick like he couldn’t believe anything that was happening it that moment. “After we… After I… After Blockbuster. And I couldn’t… And she… And I must have wanted it because…”

And he watched as Jason’s glare turned to confusion. Watched as confusion turned to realization. “Dick, you didn’t… Oh God. You didn’t… Fuck, Dick. You didn’t cheat, she…”

“Don’t fucking say it,” he hissed and glanced at the door again, wondering if he could run out and get out before Jason could catch up to him. “I cheated.” And Jason tried to hug him, and Dick pushed him away harder than he had meant to. “Don’t touch me.” I’m poison. 

“Dick, look at me,” Jason pleaded, and he had to take several deep breaths before he could. And he hated that he didn’t see hatred in those bright green eyes because Jason should have hated him for what he did. And he hated the pity he saw because he didn’t need it.

“I told her not to touch me.”

“I believe you.” And he felt like something had been lifted on his shoulders, and he started to slump forward, but Jason caught him and helped him to the floor. And Dick rested his head on Jason’s shoulder and finally let the tears come. 

“Why didn’t she stop?” his voice broke and he hated how weak he sounded. And Jason was rocking him back and forth and Dick tried to stay focused in the moment because Jason would have stopped if Dick had asked him to. Jason wasn’t her and she never would be.

“I don’t know, Dickiebird,” Jason sighed and Dick shut his eyes tightly, trying to breathe him in. “I’m so, so sorry she did this to you.” And he listened to Jason’s breaths, counted them as they went in and out. And he breathed in the smell of gunpowder and cheap cigarettes that always clung to him no matter what he wore. And he listened to Jason’s voice, soft and soothing. “You’re okay now. Everything’s going to be okay.” 

And for the first time since everything had happened, he thought it could be.


End file.
